How to Prepare for Your First Meeting With Your Lawyer

Many clients are completely overwhelmed by their first meeting with a family lawyer. They are frequently emotionally distraught by the potential end of their marriage, scared by the possibility of losing control over their children, afraid of their economic future or all of the above. Thus, many people are unprepared for their initial conference with an attorney. This leads to an inefficient use of time with an attorney, and wasted money. I have found that having specific tasks helps clients focus on resolving their problems and lessens anxiety about the unknown future. Further, being prepared for your meeting with an attorney saves money in two ways: The attorney spends less time mining you for information, and you will have done much of the work that you would have paid the attorney to do for you. Following these five steps in preparing for your first attorney meeting will save you time, money and probably some anxiety as well:

1. Create a Budget: In the event that you are going to be separated from your spouse, you need to know how much money you need to survive until the financial issues are resolved. This requires a budget. If a lawsuit is filed, you may very well be required to submit a budget to the court, so you might as well get started on this right away. You should include every monthly expense that you incur in your budget. If you incur a cost quarterly, then divide the total annual cost by 12 to obtain a monthly amount. You may have to estimate things like rent and utilities if you are still living in the marital home. The legal form that attorneys in Wake County use to submit budgets to the court can be found here. This form provides a useful guide to budget items that may not occur to you.

2. Create a List of Assets and Debts: Having an inventory of assets and debts is absolutely crucial to your ability to make educated decisions about dividing marital assets. Do you know what your net worth is? Do you know whether you have more assets than debts? Include homes, vehicles, art, collectibles, retirement accounts, bank accounts, insurance benefits, stocks, bonds, business interests and other assets. You do not necessarily need to inventory the silverware, dishes, linens and other smaller items unless they are especially valuable. Also include all debts including credit cards, loans, mortgages, credit lines, equity lines and other financial liabilities. You can find a fairly extensive list of assets on this form. Having a list of assets and debts (and when possible amounts for each) will save your attorney a lot of time, and you a lot of money. It will also help you and your attorney formulate a strategy for resolving your case at an earlier stage.

3. Estate Planning Issues: Review your papers so that you can inform your attorney of any Wills and Powers of Attorney that you have created. If possible, have copies of those documents for your attorney. Your attorney will want to discuss these documents with you. Also, tell your attorney if your spouse is designated as the beneficiary of any insurance policies or financial accounts. Identifying these issues will prevent your attorney from having to dig for this information later. Again, this saves you money in legal fees.

4. Organize Your Documents: You will probably encounter a lot of paper while you create a budget and a list of assets and debts. As you find this paperwork, organize it by account/asset/debt and statement date. Even if you don't bring these documents to the first meeting, you will need them eventually. Lawyers and paralegals spend untold hours digging through boxes of random unorganized documents supplied by clients. If you can organize the documents as you go through them, you will save a lot of money in legal fees. And, you will have a much clearer view of your own financial picture.

5. Make a List of Questions for Your Attorney: No matter what you do, you will likely be emotionally charged during this first conference. This causes clients to lose their focus and forget to ask the questions that they really want answered. So, make a list of your questions before you arrive for the meeting. Using this list, you can make sure that you leave your meeting with the information that you were seeking.

If you take all or even some of these steps prior to meeting with an attorney, then you will be much better prepared to get what you need out of that meeting. If you are going to be divorced, you will need to take charge of your own financial life. This is the first step in that process. Even if you reconcile (and I hope that you do), many clients find that taking these steps opens their eyes to their real financial situation. And, you will have saved thousands of dollars in legal fees by doing the grunt work yourself.

If you are interested in legal representation, please contact me by email or at (919) 781-1311. You can also find me at www.nichollscrampton.com (this site currently being updated).

Please note that nothing on this blog should be considered legal advice and that viewing the information on this blog does not create an attorney-client relationship between us. You are advised to consult with an attorney to confirm the current state of any legal information contained in this blog, as the law constantly changes.

What About the Dog?

Of all the property that has to be divided in a divorce, the property that tends to stir the most emotion is a pet. I am a dog guy (I own two big dopes) and I get it. I don't ever want to give up my dogs. But, many clients are shocked to find out that the dog is treated like any other property in a divorce; they are either marital or separate property and are distributed accordingly.

Rest assured that the parties can always agree to visitation with pets, and they frequently do. Some people even exchange custody of the dog every week and share dog related expenses.

But, if a court is making the decision about the dog, the court will have to determine whether the dog was owned by a party prior to the marriage or it was acquired during the marriage. The court may also have to determine whether one spouse gave the other spouse the pet as a gift. If the pet was given as a gift, then the pet may be considered the sole property of the receiving spouse.

Frankly, judges do not like to make decisions about who gets the dog. They typically have larger issues to sort out (I mean that in a financial sense. There aren't many larger emotional issues than a pet.) But, if the case goes to court, the dog is legally an asset and has to be given to one of the spouses.

In a similar vein, I get the occasional phone call from someone that wants to sue for the death of or injury to a pet. Even if the person that injured or killed your pet is legally responsible, the damages in those cases are generally limited to the value of the pet. In most cases, the value of the family pet is no more than a few hundred dollars.

For those of you that own horses, things get a little more complicated. We recently handled a case involving a horse that went lame during transport to North Carolina. Horses can be worth a lot of money, and damages in those cases can be much higher. Cases involving horses may well justify legal action. However, horses, like other pets, are still considered simple property in the eyes of the law.

Unfortunately, the law does not yet recognize the unique emotional value of a pet. Thus, the emotional trauma from the injury to or loss of a pet is generally not a strong basis for a lawsuit or the collection of money in court. And, for most pets, their legal value is insufficient to justify the expense of a lawsuit.

If you are interested in legal representation, please contact me by email or at (919) 781-1311. You can also find me at www.nichollscrampton.com (this site currently being updated).

Please note that nothing on this blog should be considered legal advice and that viewing the information on this blog does not create an attorney-client relationship between us. You are advised to consult with an attorney to confirm the current state of any legal information contained in this blog, as the law constantly changes.

Family Law Research DIY

If you want to investigate North Carolina family law on your own, you can find most of the rules that the legislature has made for family law cases on the North Carolina General Assembly's website.

As an important side note, you should know that each of these rules (in legalese, "statutes") has been interpreted or explained by the North Carolina Court of Appeals and/or the North Carolina Supreme Court. These explanations of the rules come in the form of written "decisions" by those courts (these decisions are also commonly referred to as "case law" and "common law"). So, in order to have a full understanding of many of the rules, you have to also review the interpretations issued by the courts. Understanding the rules as well as the court's written interpretation of the rules is a very large part of what makes a family lawyer a valuable resource for you.


If you are interested in legal representation, please contact me by email or at (919) 781-1311. You can also find me at www.nichollscrampton.com (this site currently being updated).

Please note that nothing on this blog should be considered legal advice and that viewing the information on this blog does not create an attorney-client relationship between us. You are advised to consult with an attorney to confirm the current state of any legal information contained in this blog, as the law constantly changes.

More News on the Collaborative Divorce Process

Divorce and co-parenting
From the Daily News Tribune

Reduction of Animosity in the Divorce Process From the Austin-American Statesman

A more humane way to divorce From the Daily Camera

A kinder, gentler process From the Orlando Sentinel

PLEASE NOTE THAT NOTHING ON THIS BLOG SHOULD BE CONSIDERED LEGAL ADVICE AND THAT VIEWING THE INFORMATION ON THIS BLOG DOES NOT CREATE AN ATTORNEY-CLIENT RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN US. YOU ARE ADVISED TO CONSULT WITH AN ATTORNEY TO CONFIRM THE CURRENT STATE OF ANY LEGAL INFORMATION CONTAINED IN THIS BLOG, AS THE LAW CONSTANTLY CHANGES.

IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN LEGAL REPRESENTATION, PLEASE CONTACT ME BY EMAIL OR AT (919) 781-1311. YOU CAN ALSO FIND ME AT WWW.NICHOLLSCRAMPTON.COM (this site currently being updated).

More Collaborative Divorce Articles

https://www.collaborativepractice.com/lib/articles/Keen%20Interest%20in%20Gentler%20Ways%20to%20Divorce.pdf

https://www.collaborativepractice.com/lib/articles/CL%20Moving%20To%20Mainstream.pdf

http://www.collaborativepractice.com/lib/PDFs/Collaborative%20Divorce%20Booms.pdf

These articles shows that Collaborative Divorce is popular across the United States. The Associated Press article also give some good information on the costs of different ways of resolving the legal issues in divorce.

Collaborative Law may be new to you, but it is not new to lawyers. It is a tested and established structure for domestic legal issues.

The Six Ways to Dissolve a Marriage

One of the most prominent myths that new client bring to an initial meeting is that getting divorced means going to court. That is not true. In North Carolina, it is entirely possible to get a divorce and resolve the related legal issues of a divorce without ever stepping foot in a courthouse. While only a judge can divorce a couple in North Carolina, the legal issues surrounding a divorce (financial support, property division, co-parenting) can be resolved in at least six different ways.

Couples can resolve these issues through direct negotiation, Collaborative Law, attorney negotiation, mediation, arbitration or litigation.

I have listed these options in descending order of client control; that is, the client has the most control over the outcome in direct negotiation with their spouse/ex-spouse and the Collaborative process, and the least control over the outcome in arbitration and litigation.

Direct negotiation occurs when the parties simply try to resolve their legal issues themselves without the help of attorneys, judges or other third parties. Most couples are unable to do this effectively because of the emotions involved and the lack of substantive knowledge about the issues at hand. Even couples that are able to effectively negotiate with each other face legal traps that can present problems. Direct negotiation has the advantage of placing control over the outcome the parties' hands. But, its disadvantages typically make it impractical or impossible.

Collaborative Law is very similar to direct negotiation in that is places almost all of the control over the outcome in the hands of the parties. But, it has distinct advantages in that it involves attorneys and other experts that have the substantive knowledge of the law, finances, taxes and other areas necessary to fully address the issues. And, the Collaborative process provides a structure for the negotiations so that the parties can communicate more effectively. In addition, Collaborative Law is generally less expensive than the other options. Perhaps most importantly, the Collaborative process teaches the parties to communicate in a productive, respectful and reasoned manner. This benefit cannot be overestimated, especially for clients that will be co-parenting children in the future.

One of the most historically popular means of resolving a case is through attorney negotiation. In this process, each party hires an attorney to negotiate for them. The lines of communication between the parties is broken by the attorneys. Each party provides directives to their attorney. The attorneys then negotiate with each other on behalf of their clients. Because the attorneys are communicating, and not the clients, the parties lose some control over the end product. Tone, emphasis and other important aspects of the clients communication get lost by the time it reaches the opposing attorney's ears. And, because attorneys are involved, the cost of each email, letter and phone call increases the cost to the parties. Further, this process does not teach the parties to communicate effectively because they are using their attorneys to communicate for them.

Mediation was the first attempt to reduce the amount of litigation in family law and divorce cases. This process remains very popular today, and is mandatory for many cases filed in North Carolina. Mediation involves a conference in which the parties and their attorneys meet with a "mediator" to try to reach a resolution of the legal issues. The mediator is typically another independent attorney. Mediation places most of the control over the resolution in the hands of the party. In fact, no one is required to agree to anything at mediation. However, typically, the attorneys and the mediator conduct most of the negotiation at mediation. The mediator's role is to help encourage the parties to resolve the legal issues by pointing out the benefits of a settlement and by pointing out the strengths and weaknesses of the parties' arguments. The mediator does not and cannot decide anything for the parties. While mediation is a vast improvement over litigation, it still involves indirect communication between the parties. Therefore, it does not teach the parties to communicate with each other. While mediation can and frequently does solve the immediate legal issues, it does not lay the foundation for productive future communication between the parties. In fact, mediation typically involves the kind of strong arm negotiating tactics that create bitterness and resentment.

Arbitration is essentially an informal trial. Instead of a judge, a neutral third party (usually an attorney selected by the parties) makes decisions for the parties. This process is designed to save a lot of the time and expense involved in a formal court case. Arbitration is a good option when the parties are totally unable to communicate, but do not want to spend the time and money that a court battle requires. However, arbitration take control over the resolution out of the parties' hands, and places it in the hands of the arbitrator. The arbitrator does not know the parties, their children, their history, their personalities or any of the other things that should be considered in resolving family disputes. The arbitrator only knows the facts that are presented in the hearing. Like litigation, a stranger makes decisions for the parties and their families.

Litigation takes control of both the resolution and the process out of the parties hands and places it in the hands of another stranger, a judge. No matter how well educated, experienced or well meaning a judge, the judge is still a complete stranger to the parties and their family. Further, the judge's main concern is fairness, as opposed to what works best for a particular problem. A judge has at most a few days to learn everything they can about a family before making a decision. In my experience, even the "winners" in these cases leave the courtroom unhappy because of the inconvenience and disruption that a judge's decision creates. The only benefit to litigation is that a decision is made and the process (usually) comes to an end. Litigation leaves attorneys wealthy, clients poor and families unhappy.

A very small percentage of my clients choose litigation or arbitration to resolve their family law issues when they are presented with the above options. Most choose attorney negotiation or mediation. However, a growing number of people across the country are choosing Collaborative Law, and reaping the long term benefits of their decision.

A DIVORCE CONUNDRUM

In my last post I explained a few of the benefits of effective communication in divorce and other family law matters. In a recent discussion with our pastor on this topic, he made a great point: If a couple could communicate effectively, then they likely would not need a divorce in the first place.

That one had me stumped for a bit.

But, as I thought about the conundrum, I realized that his statement assumes that effective communication is like your vertical leap; you either have it or you don't. The truth is that effective communication is more like your jump-shot; anyone can develop it with dedication and practice. (I apologize for the basketball metaphors, but with UNC in the Final Four they are coming naturally).

In fact, even if a lack of effective communication contributed to the end of the marriage, it does not have to contribute to problems with co-parenting, the resolution of legal issues in divorce or the future relationship between the parties.

The natural question is how two people that have been communicating in a deficient manner for years suddenly learn to discuss issues in a productive manner. The answer, to a large extent, is that their attorneys can teach them the communication skills that they will need.

Many attorneys will not do this either due to a lack of their own communication skills or a belief that fighting is somehow more productive than cooperating. However, I strongly believe that one of the roles of an attorney in a family law dispute is to teach their client how to communicate effectively.

Obviously, this will involve some direct discussion of the best ways to communicate effectively. But, it also involves modeling effective communication for the client. If an attorney communicates with opposing counsel in a hostile, position based, threatening manner, then the client assumes that this is the most productive technique. In fact, it is not. No matter how contentious the case, threats, position based negotiations and aggressive postures rarely move the parties closer to a resolution, and almost always push the parties further from their goals. Thus, attorneys can head off a lot of wasted time, money and emotional fatigue by teaching clients how to effectively communicate.

So, the answer to our pastor's conundrum is that past communication techniques do not have to continue. New, more effective techniques can be learned and used to resolve the legal issues in divorce. Attorneys can and should play a large role in that process.

The Benefits of Effective Communication in Divorce

In this article, I am picking back up on the discussion of the importance of communication in divorce matters. In the last post, I discussed the problems that poor communication causes and described the communication techniques that best promote effective communication. The next logical topic is how parties actually benefit from learning to communicate effectively.

The short answer is that effective communication saves time, money, energy and potentially a lifetime of conflict with your ex-spouse.

Most importantly, however, is that effective communication significantly raises the odds that the parties will reach an agreement at all. Many cases are forced to litigation when the parties' lack of effective communication torpedoes settlement negotiations. People that want to avoid litigation need to learn to communicate with each other.

In addition, when people communicate effectively, they reach agreements faster. This is usually because tangential issues, emotional roadblocks and counter productive negotiations are avoided. This effect can lead to agreements that are reached in weeks or months as opposed to years.

When clients are dealing with their attorneys, there is one cardinal rule: Time is money. Thus, the reduction in the time it takes to reach an agreement provides significant savings for clients in legal fees. The money that clients save when they learn to communicate effectively can go to their retirement funds, monthly cash flow, rainy day fund or to their kids. As I tell clients: You can either put my kids through college, or you can put your kids through college. In fact, the number one thing that clients can do to reduce legal bills is to learn to communicate effectively with their spouse or ex-spouse.

One of the most underrated benefits to effectively communicating in a divorce matter is the reduction of emotional trauma to the parties and their families. Everyone has heard the horror stories about ugly divorces and their affect on children, relatives, friendships, careers, etc...People rarely realize that an ugly divorce takes a huge emotional toll on them until it is too late. No divorce is pleasant. But, every divorce need not be emotionally devastating. Effective communication can greatly reduce the emotional toll of divorce. This emotional toll is often the difference between people who bounce back after a divorce and go on to live their lives to the fullest, and the people who never seem to recover from a divorce.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, divorcing parents have an obligation to learn how to communicate effectively for the sake of their children. Co-parenting children requires effective communication for a happily married couple living in the same house. Communication becomes even more important for divorced parents trying to co-parent from different households. Raising children of any age requires dozens of decisions each day. Many of those require the input of both parents. If the parents cannot put aside emotional issues between themselves and communicate effectively, their children will suffer the consequences. I have seen children miss out on extracurricular and other great opportunities simply because the parents could not stop fighting long enough to discuss the issue.

Divorced parents often ignore the long term affects of ineffective communication on the lives of their children and their own lives. Parenting does not end when a child turns 18. Parents will be involved in graduations, birthdays, holidays, weddings, the birth of grandchildren, etc...More than likely, both parents will want to be involved in these events. That means that parents will be tied to each other, and will have to see each other for the rest of their lives . Or, they will force their children to choose which parent gets to participate in the events of their lives. This being the case, the only reasonable long term solution is for parents to learn to get along. The biggest part of that is learning to communicate effectively.

There are countless benefits to effective communication between divorcing or divorced parties; far too many to address here. They impact every part of a client's life: financial, emotional and even physical health. More importantly, the ability to effectively communicate affects the lives of children, friends and family. Divorcing parties owe it to themselves and everybody that they care about to learn to communicate effectively when ending their marriage.

In my next post, I will address a great point made by my pastor recently: "If people could communicate effectively, they would not get divorced in the first place."

Collaborative Law - An Introduction

All to often, the parties involved in a divorce emerge from the legal process financially and emotionally devastated. Families and lives are destroyed in the process of ending a marriage. I have had cases where I honestly feared that the grief and stress from the process was going to kill my client.

Some of the negative effects of a divorce cannot be avoided. Grieving for a lost relationship is natural, and will be a part of any divorce. Some degree of financial loss is unavoidable because it costs more to run two households than it does to run one. Divorce is difficult for children of any age because of the unavoidable changes in their lives.

But, contrary to popular belief, divorce does not have to be nasty, ugly and combative. The parties do not have to "jump into the mud" or "take the low road" in order to effectively advocate for their interests and resolve the issues that arise in a divorce.

Over the last few decades, lawyers that had grown weary of seeing clients devastated by the legal process of ending marriages developed a new process for resolving the legal issues that arise in a divorce. That process was based on spouses working together, or collaboratively, to resolve the issues of property distribution, financial support, and the parenting and financial support of children. That process became known as Collaborative Law.

Through the next series of posts, I will describe the structure and process of Collaborative Law. I will also explain the tremendous benefits of the Collaborative Process. Hopefully, by the end of the series, I will have shed some light on this process so that more divorcing couples will explore this option before waging war on each other.

In my next post, I will provide an overview of the actual structure and mechanics of the collaborative process.