In my last post I explained a few of the benefits of effective communication in divorce and other family law matters. In a recent discussion with our pastor on this topic, he made a great point: If a couple could communicate effectively, then they likely would not need a divorce in the first place.
That one had me stumped for a bit.
But, as I thought about the conundrum, I realized that his statement assumes that effective communication is like your vertical leap; you either have it or you don't. The truth is that effective communication is more like your jump-shot; anyone can develop it with dedication and practice. (I apologize for the basketball metaphors, but with UNC in the Final Four they are coming naturally).
In fact, even if a lack of effective communication contributed to the end of the marriage, it does not have to contribute to problems with co-parenting, the resolution of legal issues in divorce or the future relationship between the parties.
The natural question is how two people that have been communicating in a deficient manner for years suddenly learn to discuss issues in a productive manner. The answer, to a large extent, is that their attorneys can teach them the communication skills that they will need.
Many attorneys will not do this either due to a lack of their own communication skills or a belief that fighting is somehow more productive than cooperating. However, I strongly believe that one of the roles of an attorney in a family law dispute is to teach their client how to communicate effectively.
Obviously, this will involve some direct discussion of the best ways to communicate effectively. But, it also involves modeling effective communication for the client. If an attorney communicates with opposing counsel in a hostile, position based, threatening manner, then the client assumes that this is the most productive technique. In fact, it is not. No matter how contentious the case, threats, position based negotiations and aggressive postures rarely move the parties closer to a resolution, and almost always push the parties further from their goals. Thus, attorneys can head off a lot of wasted time, money and emotional fatigue by teaching clients how to effectively communicate.
So, the answer to our pastor's conundrum is that past communication techniques do not have to continue. New, more effective techniques can be learned and used to resolve the legal issues in divorce. Attorneys can and should play a large role in that process.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
The Benefits of Effective Communication in Divorce
In this article, I am picking back up on the discussion of the importance of communication in divorce matters. In the last post, I discussed the problems that poor communication causes and described the communication techniques that best promote effective communication. The next logical topic is how parties actually benefit from learning to communicate effectively.
The short answer is that effective communication saves time, money, energy and potentially a lifetime of conflict with your ex-spouse.
Most importantly, however, is that effective communication significantly raises the odds that the parties will reach an agreement at all. Many cases are forced to litigation when the parties' lack of effective communication torpedoes settlement negotiations. People that want to avoid litigation need to learn to communicate with each other.
In addition, when people communicate effectively, they reach agreements faster. This is usually because tangential issues, emotional roadblocks and counter productive negotiations are avoided. This effect can lead to agreements that are reached in weeks or months as opposed to years.
When clients are dealing with their attorneys, there is one cardinal rule: Time is money. Thus, the reduction in the time it takes to reach an agreement provides significant savings for clients in legal fees. The money that clients save when they learn to communicate effectively can go to their retirement funds, monthly cash flow, rainy day fund or to their kids. As I tell clients: You can either put my kids through college, or you can put your kids through college. In fact, the number one thing that clients can do to reduce legal bills is to learn to communicate effectively with their spouse or ex-spouse.
One of the most underrated benefits to effectively communicating in a divorce matter is the reduction of emotional trauma to the parties and their families. Everyone has heard the horror stories about ugly divorces and their affect on children, relatives, friendships, careers, etc...People rarely realize that an ugly divorce takes a huge emotional toll on them until it is too late. No divorce is pleasant. But, every divorce need not be emotionally devastating. Effective communication can greatly reduce the emotional toll of divorce. This emotional toll is often the difference between people who bounce back after a divorce and go on to live their lives to the fullest, and the people who never seem to recover from a divorce.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, divorcing parents have an obligation to learn how to communicate effectively for the sake of their children. Co-parenting children requires effective communication for a happily married couple living in the same house. Communication becomes even more important for divorced parents trying to co-parent from different households. Raising children of any age requires dozens of decisions each day. Many of those require the input of both parents. If the parents cannot put aside emotional issues between themselves and communicate effectively, their children will suffer the consequences. I have seen children miss out on extracurricular and other great opportunities simply because the parents could not stop fighting long enough to discuss the issue.
Divorced parents often ignore the long term affects of ineffective communication on the lives of their children and their own lives. Parenting does not end when a child turns 18. Parents will be involved in graduations, birthdays, holidays, weddings, the birth of grandchildren, etc...More than likely, both parents will want to be involved in these events. That means that parents will be tied to each other, and will have to see each other for the rest of their lives . Or, they will force their children to choose which parent gets to participate in the events of their lives. This being the case, the only reasonable long term solution is for parents to learn to get along. The biggest part of that is learning to communicate effectively.
There are countless benefits to effective communication between divorcing or divorced parties; far too many to address here. They impact every part of a client's life: financial, emotional and even physical health. More importantly, the ability to effectively communicate affects the lives of children, friends and family. Divorcing parties owe it to themselves and everybody that they care about to learn to communicate effectively when ending their marriage.
In my next post, I will address a great point made by my pastor recently: "If people could communicate effectively, they would not get divorced in the first place."
The short answer is that effective communication saves time, money, energy and potentially a lifetime of conflict with your ex-spouse.
Most importantly, however, is that effective communication significantly raises the odds that the parties will reach an agreement at all. Many cases are forced to litigation when the parties' lack of effective communication torpedoes settlement negotiations. People that want to avoid litigation need to learn to communicate with each other.
In addition, when people communicate effectively, they reach agreements faster. This is usually because tangential issues, emotional roadblocks and counter productive negotiations are avoided. This effect can lead to agreements that are reached in weeks or months as opposed to years.
When clients are dealing with their attorneys, there is one cardinal rule: Time is money. Thus, the reduction in the time it takes to reach an agreement provides significant savings for clients in legal fees. The money that clients save when they learn to communicate effectively can go to their retirement funds, monthly cash flow, rainy day fund or to their kids. As I tell clients: You can either put my kids through college, or you can put your kids through college. In fact, the number one thing that clients can do to reduce legal bills is to learn to communicate effectively with their spouse or ex-spouse.
One of the most underrated benefits to effectively communicating in a divorce matter is the reduction of emotional trauma to the parties and their families. Everyone has heard the horror stories about ugly divorces and their affect on children, relatives, friendships, careers, etc...People rarely realize that an ugly divorce takes a huge emotional toll on them until it is too late. No divorce is pleasant. But, every divorce need not be emotionally devastating. Effective communication can greatly reduce the emotional toll of divorce. This emotional toll is often the difference between people who bounce back after a divorce and go on to live their lives to the fullest, and the people who never seem to recover from a divorce.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, divorcing parents have an obligation to learn how to communicate effectively for the sake of their children. Co-parenting children requires effective communication for a happily married couple living in the same house. Communication becomes even more important for divorced parents trying to co-parent from different households. Raising children of any age requires dozens of decisions each day. Many of those require the input of both parents. If the parents cannot put aside emotional issues between themselves and communicate effectively, their children will suffer the consequences. I have seen children miss out on extracurricular and other great opportunities simply because the parents could not stop fighting long enough to discuss the issue.
Divorced parents often ignore the long term affects of ineffective communication on the lives of their children and their own lives. Parenting does not end when a child turns 18. Parents will be involved in graduations, birthdays, holidays, weddings, the birth of grandchildren, etc...More than likely, both parents will want to be involved in these events. That means that parents will be tied to each other, and will have to see each other for the rest of their lives . Or, they will force their children to choose which parent gets to participate in the events of their lives. This being the case, the only reasonable long term solution is for parents to learn to get along. The biggest part of that is learning to communicate effectively.
There are countless benefits to effective communication between divorcing or divorced parties; far too many to address here. They impact every part of a client's life: financial, emotional and even physical health. More importantly, the ability to effectively communicate affects the lives of children, friends and family. Divorcing parties owe it to themselves and everybody that they care about to learn to communicate effectively when ending their marriage.
In my next post, I will address a great point made by my pastor recently: "If people could communicate effectively, they would not get divorced in the first place."
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Recent Interview with the North Carolina Advocates for Justice
Each month an Auto Torts Section member responds to a few questions regarding their practice and experience, growth and changes in the auto torts practice area. This month, the "Interrogatories" spotlight is focused on Randolph (Tre') Morgan III with Nicholls & Crampton, P.A. I, on behalf of Auto Torts Section members, would like to send a huge thank you to Tre' for his excellent article. Enjoy!
Randolph "Tre'" Morgan III graduated from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. He received his juris doctorate from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill School of Law, where he served on the staff of the North Carolina Journal of International Law and Commercial Regulation for two years. He began his career working for several years in insurance defense. In 2004 he joined the plaintiff's bar and practices at Nicholls & Crampton, P.A., 3700 Glenwood Avenue, Suite 500, Raleigh, North Carolina 27612
His contact information is: Telephone: (919) 781-1311, Fax: (919) 782-0465, Email: tmorgan@nichollscrampton.com
1) What was your first trial and how did it go?
I tried my first case solo eight months out of law school. My insured was a convicted crack cocaine dealer with a slight credibility problem (and the plaintiff made sure the jury knew it). It was a minor impact soft tissue case with thorough chiropractic treatment. The adjuster handling the case was the unit manager, and a close personal friend of my senior partner. The carrier picked this case as their test case for "MIST" cases in Mecklenburg County. The adjuster attended the trial. During the lunch break, he grilled me on questions, strategy, etc...Fortunately we obtained a zero damages verdict from the jury. But, it took some days off of my life.
2) What did you learn most from mentoring lawyers when you started?
I learned a good deal about legal marketing from my first position. The insurance defense business is highly competitive, and marketing is the life blood of a lot of firms. I also gained invaluable courtroom experience. Most importantly, I learned that I was not afraid of the courtroom.
3) What would you share with a young lawyer now?
First, your area of practice will not be nearly as important to your career satisfaction as the people you practice with and against. Secondly, that a good legal assistant is worth his/her weight in gold, and should be treated accordingly. And lastly, don't let anybody tell you that practicing law is not a business, or that it is just a business.
4) How has the insurance defense bar changed?
I left the insurance defense bar in 2004. At that time, the carriers were really tightening the reins on defense firm billing. There were already strict coding requirement for invoices and time entry. But, I spent hours each week on the phone with various carriers trying to justify time that was already being billed at very low hourly rates. Paralegals hired by the carriers slashed bills and then forced firms to appeal those decisions to get paid. Some carriers were also requiring firms to adopt flat rate billing structures for cases with certain litigation events triggering new payment levels. By the time I left, some carriers were refusing to pay for travel time, which is brutal for regional defense firms that have cases all over the state.
5) What is the state of the auto practice in North Carolina?
I think that there is too little respect between the two sides of the practice. I was constantly surprised by the personal enmity that adjusters and defense attorneys displayed towards plaintiffs and the plaintiffs' bar. When I switched sides, I was equally surprised by the enmity of some members of the plaintiffs' bar towards adjusters. What I've learned from being on both sides is that adjusters and attorneys on both sides are generally good people trying to do the best job that they can on a particular case.
6) Who was the first client who touched you and why?
One of my first clients was an elderly lady that was scared to death when she was sued. She was very sweet, but very intimidated by the entire process. When we resolved her case, she sent me a handwritten card saying that she thanked God that I had been sent to her to watch over her through the process. I still keep that card as a reminder that there are clients that truly appreciate my help.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Communication is Key in Divorce
I am going to take a slight detour from the series of posts on Collaborative Law to talk about the importance of communication skills for parties in divorce cases. Collaborative Law depends on the parties' ability to learn and use effective communication skills to resolve their disputes. However, most clients severely underestimate the importance of their communication skills during and after the divorce process.
Effective communication, in my mind, requires three essential components: The ability to listen to the other party for content, instead of tone; the ability to formulate responses based on logic instead of emotion; and the ability to focus on interests instead of bargaining positions.
The vast majority of domestic clients find it very difficult to hear the content of the other party's statements because they are offended by the tone. Correspondingly, many attorneys and parties fail to understand that the content of their message can easily be lost when an overly aggressive or combative tone is used. In order to effectively communicate and resolve domestic disputes, all parties must be able to sift through the tone to find the substance of the communication. They must also be mindful of the tone of their own communications. If the parties cannot get past the tone of the message or control the tone of their own message, then communication between the parties becomes at best unproductive, and at worst harmful.
One of the worst effects of poor tone in communications between parties in a domestic legal matter is that poor tone elicits emotional responses. Many lawyers and clients believe that you have to "fight fire with fire." That is a fine strategy if your intent is to lengthen the process and spend more money in legal fees. However, if the actual goal is to resolve the conflict and move on with life, then the attorneys and clients have to learn to respond with logical and practical proposals and solutions, instead of with fire. The fact is that no one can win a battle of emotion. There is no prize for the "toughest" or angriest person. But, there are large rewards for the most logical and effective communicators.
The best way to structure communication to avoid the above pitfalls is to focus communication on interests instead of positions. The difference between interests and positions is subtle but important. Some of you may have read Getting to Yes in the course of your education or careers. Getting to Yes is essentially a manual for learning how to communicate based on interests instead of positions. The difference between positions and interests is the difference between saying "I want sole custody of the kids" and "I want to make sure that my relationship with the kids does not suffer because of the divorce." "I want sole custody of the kids" is a position. "I want to make sure that my relationship with the kids does not suffer" is an interest. People adopt positions based on their interests. The problem is that the position may not be, and often is not, the best way to meet their interests. Taking positions in negotiations reduces the possible number of ways to resolve a problem; expressing interests keeps all solutions in play. The more clients and attorneys focus on positions, the more options are removed from the table. Eventually, as is common, the parties unwittingly destroy the middle ground, and litigation ensues.
In my next post, I will discuss the benefits of effective communication between the parties in a domestic legal dispute.
Effective communication, in my mind, requires three essential components: The ability to listen to the other party for content, instead of tone; the ability to formulate responses based on logic instead of emotion; and the ability to focus on interests instead of bargaining positions.
The vast majority of domestic clients find it very difficult to hear the content of the other party's statements because they are offended by the tone. Correspondingly, many attorneys and parties fail to understand that the content of their message can easily be lost when an overly aggressive or combative tone is used. In order to effectively communicate and resolve domestic disputes, all parties must be able to sift through the tone to find the substance of the communication. They must also be mindful of the tone of their own communications. If the parties cannot get past the tone of the message or control the tone of their own message, then communication between the parties becomes at best unproductive, and at worst harmful.
One of the worst effects of poor tone in communications between parties in a domestic legal matter is that poor tone elicits emotional responses. Many lawyers and clients believe that you have to "fight fire with fire." That is a fine strategy if your intent is to lengthen the process and spend more money in legal fees. However, if the actual goal is to resolve the conflict and move on with life, then the attorneys and clients have to learn to respond with logical and practical proposals and solutions, instead of with fire. The fact is that no one can win a battle of emotion. There is no prize for the "toughest" or angriest person. But, there are large rewards for the most logical and effective communicators.
The best way to structure communication to avoid the above pitfalls is to focus communication on interests instead of positions. The difference between interests and positions is subtle but important. Some of you may have read Getting to Yes in the course of your education or careers. Getting to Yes is essentially a manual for learning how to communicate based on interests instead of positions. The difference between positions and interests is the difference between saying "I want sole custody of the kids" and "I want to make sure that my relationship with the kids does not suffer because of the divorce." "I want sole custody of the kids" is a position. "I want to make sure that my relationship with the kids does not suffer" is an interest. People adopt positions based on their interests. The problem is that the position may not be, and often is not, the best way to meet their interests. Taking positions in negotiations reduces the possible number of ways to resolve a problem; expressing interests keeps all solutions in play. The more clients and attorneys focus on positions, the more options are removed from the table. Eventually, as is common, the parties unwittingly destroy the middle ground, and litigation ensues.
In my next post, I will discuss the benefits of effective communication between the parties in a domestic legal dispute.
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